Soccer Etiquette, by A Canadian

On a fundamental level, I am wary of cross-cultural attempts to "educate" people. From British attempts to teach me dental hygiene to the well-intentioned efforts of Peace Corps volunteers to teach New Guinea tribes how to farm which ended in the near total destruction of the tribes' eco-system, the education is often worse than ignorance.

So now that Toronto FC is in the league, we've got Canadians lecturing us on soccer etiquette, which is vaguely like William Shatner giving singing lessons.

http://www.thestar.com/columnists/article/209992

First, I've got to give respect to the Toronto Star for great soccer coverage. Second, I've got to give a ridiculous amount of respect to the footie fans in Toronto: their support of their truly godawful team IS inspiring. The 14,000 season tickets sold is a league record, by a large margin.

But here's what Toronto is not: the first city to get real "European-style" support for its MLS team. Cathal Kelly, the Toronto Star columnist, is new to the league and can be forgiven for not knowing this. Kelly can also be forgiven for being excited about the team: these are heady moments in Toronto soccer history.

Kelly was writing about the first MLS goal scored in Beemo Field during Toronto's home opener: despite an organized effort by Toronto, Kansas City's Eddie Johnson broke free and scored the game winner. He proceded to make "a beeline for the fans in the rowdy south end. Once there, he spread his legs, threw up his arms and presented himself like Liza Minnelli finishing up the closing number in Cabaret."

But here's where Kelly goes wrong: "In most other cities in Major League Soccer, the fans would have stared mutely. In most other countries, they would have poured out of the stands to kill him. Toronto struck the happy medium. One fan launched what appeared to be the contents of his beer mug at Johnson, striking a direct hit. More beer followed. Someone tossed an empty plastic water bottle."

Kelly reminds us then of the "international rule" of goal celebrations: you don't include the fans, unless they're your own. Finally, Kelly remarks "Now that MLS has arrived in Toronto, visiting teams must realize that north of the border there are new rules. Taunting will have repercussions."

Nice writing. But it's just not true. The article would be more convincing if Jozy Altidore hadn't just gotten a beer shower from Houston fans after scoring a goal. It would be more convincing if Clint Mathis hadn't actually gotten a beer shower from his own fans in 2003 after another poor performance (Clint, in a truly classy move, went after the fans in the stands). I don't even want to imagine what Chivas USA fans would do if Landon decided to shimmy shimmy shake in front of their hard-core support.

But while we're on the subject, it's not like MLS is the only place that such celebrations... Yes, even in Europe, once in a while, some player will cup his hand to his ear after scoring an away goal. As such, there's no need to lecture Johnson on the "international" rules...